Don't Worry, Guys!

Hey everyone, Barry "Cy" Zito here, and I just wanted to chat with y'all here at the end of April. I appreciate you guys coming out to my Duck Tales gold coin pool. I know it was a long way out of your way, but hey, it's like they say: no pain, lots of pay. Or something like that. I'm not great with idioms.

Now, I know that you're all a little worried about my performance so far this year. Trust me, I've heard all the facts: only the third pitcher ever to go 0-6 in April, a 7.53 ERA, a 2:3 K to BB ratio, an astounding and almost mathematically impossible -6.0 VORP... yeah, yeah. But hey, don't sweat--I've got $126,000,000 over seven years (plus an $18M player option in 2014) to figure out all of my pitching issues, and like they say, money can buy you anything!

Sure, I may be the highest paid pitcher in the 170 year history of the sport, and sure I may not be able to break 92 MPH anymore with my fastball. But just think about last year! I won 11 games with a formidable 4.53 ERA! Heck, since I got my contract in December 2006, it's been nothing but smooth sailing. Some people say I'm coasting, or mailing it in. I call those people synonyms. Or something like that. I'm not great with definitions of stuff.

And let's be realistic here. It's not like my team is going anywhere anyway! I mean, over the last two years, whenever I haven't gotten a decision in the game, they have a puny .452 record. What's that? They're .379 when I do get one? Oh, well, that doesn't matter, because Matt Cain smells bad anyway. Who only gives up three home runs in six outings, anyway? That's not what the people come to see! They want to see a shellacking, and I give the people what they want!


Sabean said that if I win this many, I get an incentive bonus!

So don't worry, guys. I may have lost to the AAA Giants team this winter, but it's really not a big deal at all. After all, Mike Hampton makes $121M too, and he's not that great either! So let's just all take a deep breath, realize that everything is totally chill, and remember that one time I won Cy Young in 2002.

What's that? Bochy is thinking about sending me down to the minors? GODDAMNIT!