What the F*@k is Wrong with You?!?

This is the first entry in a recurring series, wherein I ask a certain underachieving sports franchise ,What the F*@k is Wrong with You?!?

Hey Phoenix Suns: What the F*@k is wrong with you?!?

Mike D'Antoni: "When we traded for Shaq, we did it under the pretense of improving our interior defense and rebounding, while ridding ourselves of a malcontent in the process. Unfortunately, that malcontent was the only capable on ball defender we had, so now anyone with any ability to get into the paint does so at will against us. The malcontent was also our best open court finisher, since a certain overrated power forward has a tendency to dog it up and down the court. And shhh don't tell anybody, but Steve Nash is starting to break down, and doesn't quite realize it, so his passes aren't quite as crisp as they once were and he can't get the same open looks for himself that he used to get."

Amare Stoudemire: "Shiiiit maaaaan! I try ta score when L'il Stevie give me the ball but dem Spurs keep getting in my damn way, so i run over dem, but the zebras keep blowin' dem whistlies in ma eeeeeaaarr! If dey keep blowin' dem whistlies, why'm'I gonna keep runnin' up and down like some punk?"

Shaq: "Remember how much I was doggin' it earlier this year in Miami? Well, now Big Aristotle's the only player givin' any sort of effort out there. Even Ogden Nash ain't givin' it his all. Man, maybe I should've taken an offseason like 15 years ago and worked on my free throws."

Steve Nash: "I can't guard anyone with any sort of foot speed. I mean seriously, Tyronne Lue would bust me for 30 a game. If we made the finals against the Celtics, Rajon Rondo would run circles around me. I don't have a chance in the West, with Chris Paul, Deron Williams, and Tony Parker out there."

Boris Diaw: "Quoi?"

Steve Kerr: "Well, I'm glad I gave this GM thing a shot. Hey Marv, you're getting sick of Fratello, right?"