The Kentucky Derby is this weekend?

That's right, stunned sports fans, that most hallowed of sporting events involving tiny men with no athletic ability other than anorexia takes place this Saturday. As it is a gambler's paradise, I will now reveal to you my fool proof method for picking a superfecta or a machomagumba or whatever the hell it's called when you bet on which horses will finish 1-4.

First: Pick the horse with the coolest name. Some years this is easier than others (Fusaichi Pegasus made us all rich). I remember in 2002 there was a horse named "Request for Parole" which is just about the coolest name for a horse I can remember. I think he finished seventh. Parole denied.

This year's contenders: Big Truck, Anak Nakal, Court Vision, Cool Coal Man, Gayego

The winner: Big Truck

Court Vision is clever but a bit too self-aware, and I never like horse names that refer to other sports. Cool Coal Man sounds more like a Jazz musician than a Derby winner. Anak Nakal and Gayego are disturbingly sexual. Big Truck is straight forward, intimidating, and one of my nicknames with the ladies, which put it over the top, as it would were it one of my other nicknames with the ladies: "Commercial Break" or "Captain Nut Butter."

2nd: Horse with the name your girlfriend/wife/etc. is most likely to shout out during coitus

This year's contenders: Cowboy Cal, Monba, Big Brown, Anak Nakal

The winner (of 2nd place): Big Brown

Let's just say "Captain Nut Butter" has had his share of girlfriends with jungle fever. I didn't say the coitus had to be with you.

3rd: Any horse with any association with the name "Mike"

This year's contenders: Gayego (Jockey Mike Smith), Visionaire (Trainer Michael Matz)

The winner (of 3rd place): Gayego

The conspiracy of Mikes is too powerful to ignore.

4th: The favorite of the remaining horses (i.e. lowest odds)

The winner (of 4th place): Colonel John

There you have it. The sure fire way to score big cashmoney at the Derby. Understand these picks are all subjective to your own preferences, except that I am always right.